if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
