You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize