I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
