dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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