So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
