I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
