then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
