Just fell off a train. Bad.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
