I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
