Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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