Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
