recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
