I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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