I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
