I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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