Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize