She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
