She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
