Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize