I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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