My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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