Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
