I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
But break dance skills will only take you so far
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
