Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You took a bar mat shot.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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