seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
