Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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