JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
