Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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