I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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