that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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