I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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