The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
