I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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