Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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