Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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