i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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