smell my finger.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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