I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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