All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I AM VODKA MAN
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
