we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
