I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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