her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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