Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
