I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
