I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
