ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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