Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
