i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
