I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
