is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
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