i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
