i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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