Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
