I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
