so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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