I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
