I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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